I was in such a different place one year ago. Naively happy, thinking my mother with cancer would always be there. Pregnant with my precious son, who I could not wait to meet, with a false sense that nothing would be changing any time soon.
I think what happened is I was blind to how sick my mother was getting. She'd been in and out of the hospital so many times over the past few years, and lost/gained so much weight that nothing really struck me as different this time. Yes, she was thin, but her weight constantly fluctuated with the chemos. Yes, she was in and out of the hospital, but she would get past it, just like always.
And I think this also happened: She didn't want us to know it was getting worse, and we were all to happy to oblige.
"Anyone can give up; it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, now that is true strength." (Chris Bradford)
Let me tell you...I did not for one second of my pregnancy think my mom might possibly not meet my son. I was ecstatic to be pregnant and finally give her the grandchild she'd dreamed of, lived for, gone through countless chemos to meet and see and love. She was SO excited. As I grew in months, she read What to Expect When You're Expecting, and would call and update me on what was happening with my body/pregnancy at each point.
Sometime in January (maybe early February), my mom was told by a nurse practitioner she had never met, at an appointment she attended by herself, that she had 6 months to live based on a scan. We all brushed it off as crazy. I mean, when she was first diagnosed 13 years ago she was told the same thing! I even attended her next appointment with her oncologist who said nothing of the sort. But after that, my mom's optimism and outlook changed. I think she began to prepare for the worst. And not even two months later, she was gone.
"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory." (Dr. Seuss)
I have so many amazing memories of my mom. She was the most selfless, loving, caring person I've ever had the pleasure to know. I am so thankful to have had her as my mom, because it honestly taught me how to be a great mom. I can't wait to tell Bennett all about her, and I already find myself saying things like, "You are just like your Grandma Herlache!"
More than anything, I wish she could have met Bennett here on Earth. But, I sometimes think about if I'd have had Bennett a month or two earlier, it would have been nearly impossible for me to spend as much time as I was able to at the hospital with my mom. That week in the hospital was the hardest time of my life. My dad's time in the hospital was incredibly hard too, but we had our mom there to sort of lead the way of what to do. She was there to comfort us and us, her. This time it was just us. But we were all there together. I would have had to miss that with a newborn. The timing of Bennett's birth was such a joy and blessing to all of us who just needed something hopeful to look forward to.
I remember specifically one thing my mom said to me a few weeks before her death. She said, "Make sure you guys keep in touch. You know Casey - if you don't make him get together you'll never see him." Haha - sorry Case, she said it, not me! :) But I think my mom would be SO PROUD of all of us. We are actually closer than before, and I feel like if we go a month without seeing Casey and Amanda it feels weird and we really, really miss them! (My sister Missy lives only blocks from me, so I see her all the time). She'd obviously want to be a part of our time together. And that's the thing. No matter how sick she was, she wanted to be there with us. She might have been falling asleep on the couch while we played games, but she was there. She was such a toughie.
Cancer is horrible, and the chemo is just as bad. But still, we were blessed. People die every day with no warning, unexpectedly. A heart attack, a car accident. We had 13 years of time with my mom after she was diagnosed. Is it much less time than we wanted? Yes. Does it seem unjust, unfair? Yes. But we live in a broken world, and death is proof of that.
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:10)
And so, here I am. One year since my mom was called to Heaven after suffering awhile here on earth. I miss her still. I am still hurt by the loss. I will always have a small hole in my heart. But. I am happy, too. I am blessed, too. I have an amazing husband and son, a loving family and friends. I have a very tiring job that I love. I have a Father in Heaven who knows every single feeling, tear, and smile I have. He's there with me through it all.
"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love...we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard, but at the same time, it is a great consolation. For the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; he doesn't fill it, but on the contrary, he keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain." (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)
Love and miss you, Mom!
