Isn't she beautiful? Just full of life, happy... I miss her so much. Sometimes, it's so crazy to think that only a little over a month has passed - it seems like it's been so long since I've talked to her. But other times, it seems crazy that it's already been a month. Sometimes when I'm just sitting around doing nothing it suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere - she's gone. I sort of lose my breath in those moments. I feel like I could just pick up my phone and call her and she'll answer. I used to call her every day on my drive home from work. I feel like she'd be waiting for me to call, too - she'd always pick up right away. For the first week or so that I was back at work, so many times I got in the car and was about to dial her number when I remembered that I couldn't. On my last day of work before spring break I had the biggest urge to call her and say, "I'm done! Now we just have to wait for baby!"
My mom was SO looking forward to being a grandma. I'm sure for any cancer patient, living long enough to see grandkids is a miracle. But really, she would have been an amazing grandma. She would have spoiled those babies like crazy. I'll never quite understand (at least not while I'm here on Earth) why she had to die only weeks before meeting her first grandson, after everything she's gone through in her life. Couldn't she have just had that one final joy? She would probably tell me to stop thinking/talking like that - she had a great life, and she had the joy of planning for her grandson and knowing he was coming. She always thought positively like that.
I have a prayer journal that I use often during the tough times in life, and I collect comforting verses in it. One that I've been thinking about a lot lately is from Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight."
People don't really ask how I'm doing very much anymore. And I can understand. I'm not even really sure I want people to ask. Unfortunately people tend to ask in the middle of a large group, or in a public place, or somewhere where I don't think I'd talk openly anyway. And it probably doesn't help that most times if people do ask, I just smile and say, "I'm doing okay." And honestly, I am doing okay. I'm happy and thankful for so many blessings in my life. But I'm sure people (you reader?) are wondering, and just maybe don't want to make me sadder by asking.... so an update: I (we) are doing okay, we are happy, but we still miss our mom too. And sometimes we're sad. We have gotten a few cards and emails recently from friends reminding us they are still thinking of us and praying for us, and that has been really, really nice.
So thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers. We miss our beautiful mother a lot, but we are hanging in there. I'm so thankful the six of us have each other to lean on. We are all looking foward to the joy and hope this new little life coming soon will bring.
1 comment:
Jessie, your mom was one of the most beautiful women I have ever met! She was such and incredible mother, and you and Missy both have so much of her in you. Part of what I love so much about you both! I still have those days where I pick up the phone to call my mom and then realize, oh wait, I can't...and it's been almost three years. I think I'll always feel that.
We were incredibly lucky to have the most loving and selfless women as mothers. I think your right that your mom would tell you to stop thinking/talking like that, I often feel the same about my mom too, that she'd say she had a great life full of happiness and tremendous love for her children, that she wouldn't want me to focus so much on my own grieving. But it's still hard.
I know how much she was looking forward to meeting this little guy, should he ever arrive:) And yes she would have been one amazing grandma!
Know I'm still thinking of you all everyday.
Jess
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